Note: These quotes were written down by me over a period of several years in a wide variety of situations with a very wide group of friends and co-workers. If you think you know who said it, or what it's about, you're probably wrong. Attributions have been removed to protect the guilty, but I have them written down in case you're dying to know who said it and what the context was. :)

NO,...
We need to buy some toast.
But you know with chicken. It's good... it's bad... it's chicken!
From way downtown... YES!
I want to adjust his attitude thru an application of extreme slap-thology.
Don't heckle me motherfucker!
He's in verbose mode.
JS is Perl with all the good shit taken out.
JavaOne is the only place where the line for the men's room is longer than the line for the ladies room.
It's a universal constant. In any country, the long line at a club starts at 11:30.
Space Captain... It's an Enterprise role.
It's like a nudie bar for my stomach. / Then he's the sushi pimp!
Saute me a lake!?! Oh... I thought you said "fry me a river". That makes more sense.
He had all the charm of a used condom.
I strongly prefer to do things fully assed.
There's a specific uniform for the rebel. And I don't follow that.
My ass is a portal.
She's really good at fucking up and apologizing.
[Wow,] I've never seen a method over 600 lines [long] before.
Sushi is good! I've been deprived of the pleasure.
Anybody left here in two months will be selling office furniture.
How did Cobra pay for shit?
You did NOT just hang up on me you BASTARD! / Uh, I'm still here...
If you want one of those silly girly drinks you'll have to go to Chevy's.
I'm so not clothes-oriented.
He'd like Hitler if he'd play with him at this point.
I'm back with a vengeance. And a burrito.
It's like coach leather women.
Those who suck win, because sucking is cheap.
.. if by "(phrase)" you mean "not (phrase)"...
If you go any slower you might as well not go at all!
He's in the den. Will and him have gas.
After a hard day at work I'm always eager to go home and get the girlfriend's knickers off. 'cause they're bloody killing me.
Q: What the heck is tobiko? A: Or not tobiko? That is the question-iko!
I'm not gullible, I just believe what people tell me.
Mm, seems to have chocolate in it. Gimmie more.
There's always room for underwear.
Anything worth making is worth making out of gingerbread.
I tried some caffeine gum once and it tasted like total crotch!
D'ya know how many lap dances you could buy for $10 million?
I'm *known* for sleeping.
I wouldn't say it's better, but I definitely like the back.
Spandex is a privilege, not a right.
I'm still at the same company, and I'm expecting that it'll just keep getting worse and worse.
I have not been belligerent for a long time.
Yeah, he's not into the like, "you" thing.
I think I just bought Ghana.
About once a week we're subjected to BIF (backhoe induced failure)
Have you ever met a meta that was content with its content?
You wanted me to suck in my gut even when I was pregnant! (response:) That's because the wedding dress didn't fit!
My pants are vibrating. I need to go outside for a minute.
I need to wake up in one shoe, in a police hat, with a sign that says German Embassy.
People like Richard Grieco too... doesn't mean it's right!
He was the ultimate stupid-ass content-free dork.
How come no matter what computer I'm on, I never have the current version of Flash?
Whoever made up music theory made it kinda wack.
This is like trying to change the sheets on a bed while wild pigs run around on it. As in, there'll be new sheets but, eeeew, what a mess.
NO! The 7th of C Major is not C flat! There's already somebody on base!
It does NOT look like triplets. You want to take me to court, take me to court. Make a federal case out of it.
Where anality is required I think you should be anal. Where anality is not required I think you should free your mind.
I don't want to get too intergalactic about it, but...
I love you so much! You have no idea how much I want crack.
They're like girls- they won't like you unless you ignore them. If you pay attention to them they run away!
The less you bet, the more you lose when you win!
I date-raped myself!
What's the difference between a shiv, a shank, and a shemp?
Q: It's a smoking room? A: Well you don't *have* to smoke.
That steams my twinkie!
Does the fried cheesecake come with a free stent?
Human psychology is just not like barfing.
Why can't everyone else figure this out? It's hard and all, but there's books...
He [Carl Sagan] was the butt of all our jokes in science club.
The first year I worked there, I totally loved it. It took me about a year to learn that I was working in hell.
I feel like such an uptight asshole.
Also on the back burner, but coming up like bad clams soon...
Rockville... where you give money to people you don't like, for things that aren't exactly what you want, in a place you don't really want to be.
I man-hugged a Republican today and he was like, "Ewww!!"
If I get to the second serving and I haven't had to blow my nose yet, there's something wrong. There's something *really* wrong.
Review's over. Semester begins now.
That's just bizarre! Don't.. don't do that.
I think I'm going to throw up, I'm so happy.
I can't take any points off for this, as much as I would like to, because there's nothing wrong with it by the book.
So does the Violent Death Bereavement Society go under Grief or Trauma?
It comes with emacs. Does it come with vi? Yes. The only way it could be better is if it *didn't* come with vi.
Almost every open source developer/hacker in California has bought a PowerBook in the last 12 months.
VBA is the arsehole of now.
Okay, I've just invited you to your wedding.
God damned hippies ruined my lunch. And I got the good stuff... it's supposed to be all better with heat.
Budgets got a whole lot better when you were shagging the project manager.
How much did you pay for that paper? You got reamed.
Let me pick you up. I work at a nursing home.
I don't think I've ever been to a club before where I enjoyed the elevator more than the club.
We need to drink more booze so we have room for books.
So, back into the neighbor's yard. 'Cause she's dead.
It's just like, the whole *one zone* massage thing... it's like, they're not even *trying*.
When in doubt, follow the bison.
It's amazing how unlike Denver this is.
That's what this organization is lacking, is a lucite brick.
I'm gettin' tired of all the lesbians in the mission.
Billowing is one of my favorite things.
Son of bride of return of swamp theme!
If I wanted to learn a technology that was going to keep pulling me into big dumb company situations with 80 hour weeks, salary with options, and multi year death marches, I couldn't pick a better candidate than J2EE.
Performance calls for us to be different people from who we are at the DMV.
That's definitely the loudest I've heard anyone play Neil Diamond.
It changed how I thought about chinese food.
I have fucked more pianos than Imelda Marcos had shoes.
That's like straight up hard shit.
Someone has to rip out the wiring for the value of the copper.
I only got to drive 'cuz my mom was in chemo.
I was trying so hard to be clever and state of the art that I forgot to get something working.
I should just sign up for the "Hoth simulation of the month club".